‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”(Unknown)

I never liked that false bravado saying for one simple reason: It’s Not True! Words can and do hurt. And I believe the most hurtful words are the ones we speak to ourselves…words grounded in that most debilitating of emotions: FEAR.

Several years ago, I experienced night terrors for two weeks. Each night, I would be paralyzed in fear because I thought I heard someone moving downstairs. I was living alone at the time and each night it seemed this ‘person’ was making their way closer and closer to what I was convinced would be my death. I literally couldn’t move a muscle. I could only lie there in a state of what I thought was total awareness of impending doom. On the night I believed the danger had finally made it to my room, I came to true consciousness and saw a dress hanging on my door that looked like a person. No, the dress hadn’t been there for two weeks but for some reason seeing it broke the spell of the terrors. I chalked it up to extreme work stress and moved on.

I’m reminded of that episode because within the past year, I’ve learned to not fear FEAR. I can even call it my friend since I now view it as simply Data To Be Considered…information. A popular acronym for fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. I love that but sometimes the evidence isn’t false. Sometimes there is real danger to flee and we must choose actions to flee it. Most of the time, though, WE exaggerate and/or create false terrors.

“Twas grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved.” (Amazing Grace, John Newton)

“…figure out what you value most. So often we fight to prevent an outcome we fear rather than work toward our true desires.” (Dr. Phil)

We fear people’s opinions and opt out of seeking the promotion, starting that business, or dancing when the spirit moves us because Whatever Would THEY Say? We don’t risk the relationship because we may end up brokenhearted or we don’t risk leaving it because we fear being alone. We pass on exercise class because our bodies aren’t public-view ready and we won’t take that trip downtown, let alone to another state or country because we fear being attacked.

“Imagine the choices you’d make if you had no fear–of falling, of losing, of being alone, of disapproval.” (Martha Beck)

Yes, any of those things can happen and we must always assess according to our own level of risk tolerance. People see me as brave and fearless when I’m actually a big chicken. Ask my husband. Pushing through my self-imposed fears, though, has been exponentially rewarding. I now tell myself that fear is first and foremost a trigger for me to assess, research(if there’s time), then act. What it’s not is an automatic trigger for me to say no or to run. I keep myself in that life-affirming mindset by capturing the power of words through these five practices.

1. AFFIRMATIONS Each morning, a reminder pops up on my phone: fear-less. Fearing LESS keeps me moving through my valleys and removes the pressure of the need to stop an emotion I can’t necessarily control and may even be for my good.
2. OTHER PEOPLE’S PROBLEMS I love listening to people tell their moving-through-fear stories. It reminds me that everybody struggles with something. As mom use to say, if you’re not…keep on living.
3. RECORDING QUOTATIONS I’m a huge quote collector(the Quotebook App is great!) and have many on fear. Several are included here and my favorite scripture on fear is Psalm 27.
4. QUIET TIME Getting still through prayer and meditation have been soul-edifying practices for me.
5. SCARING MYSELF ON PURPOSE At least once a year, I do something that scares the crap out of me. When I was on the corporate train, I took a position that required me to travel to cities I’d never visited, providing training to people I didn’t know. I quickly learned how to establish trust and buy-in, how to eat alone, and how to explore strange places. That experience led to my traveling solo for pleasure(NYC is my fave solo destination), starting a business, even parasailing.

I’ve experienced my biggest terrors: public humiliation, serious illness, losing a loved one, money mistakes…and lived to tell the tale. Recently, I heard the incredibly brave young activist, Malala Yousafzai speak about how she’s been able to continue her work after being shot in the head by the Taliban: “…it was that moment when I had to choose whether to continue the campaign or not…And I said, what else to be afraid of? What else to be scared of? I have seen death already.” Her experience is at the extreme end of the fear continuum but we all have our personal campaigns. Make your peace with fear, choose well, and keep moving forward.

“I’ve been absolutely terrified my entire life and I’ve never let it stop from doing a thing I’ve wanted to do.” Georgia O’Keefe