Remark made about me recently by a relative:
“René does what’s right for her and I do what’s right.”
Say whattttttt???? I knew it wasn’t meant to be a flattering assessment and at first it stung.
But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized how true it is and pssst! It’s OK! I’ve been on a looong journey for it to be true. One of my coaching mantras is the airline instruction to “Put on your own oxygen mask first.” I coach women who either don’t do this or don’t do it well. They’re externalized and resentful because people-pleasing and martyrdom is exhausting and leads to delaying or denying our true desires, remaining stuck in a miserable job, relationship, or self-perception.
Here’s some BARE truth:
The weight loss program I’m certified to coach (BARE) teaches women to let LOVE guide their self-care habits instead of methods and diets based on deprivation.
‘Does this feel like love?’ is the life-altering question.
Treating your body as the temple it is by feeding yourself what nourishes it based on an 80/20 split of Power and Pleasure foods allows you to relax into your natural body weight. Power foods are the fuel your body craves to function well and are to be consumed 80% of the time. Pleasure foods get you to your happy place too but may not have much nutritional value and are consumed 20% of the time. Food isn’t demonized in BARE…it’s about what works best for YOUR body. And the goal is to find power foods that are also pleasurable. Forcing misery is not sustainable.
What does all of that have to do with the shoulds, oughts and delayed dreams? Thank you for asking! LOL
The 80/20 split regarding what foods we consume is also a great gauge for how much time you’re spending on what you enjoy doing (80%) versus what you’ve obligated yourself to do (20%). Maybe you’re more comfortable with a 70/30 split…we won’t quibble over the numbers. The point is you know your split is out of whack because you’re not feeling enough joy and happiness in your life. Yes, taxes must be paid, the dentist should be visited, children must be fed, work commitments kept, etc. If you’re feeling overburdened and overwhelmed by your schedule, then do an assessment.
Ask yourself with these questions:
- Do you often find yourself complaining about your day…your to-do’s?
- Is resentment a familiar and consistent companion?
- Do you believe that if he, she, or they would just do XYZ, your life would be exponentially better?
- Are you in a temporary situation with a defined end or do you flow from one obligation to the next?
- Are you great at giving help but not so good at asking for or receiving help?
Yes to any one of these means it’s time to “check yourself before you wreck yourself”. If you said YES to all three, it’s time for a Come-Back-To-Yourself Moment. Get that oxygen mask. STAT!!
No, we don’t live obligation-free lives and every obligation won’t be fun, but living MOSTLY in the obligation lane, not only isn’t fun, it isn’t healthy. Even in the midst of an extended valley, we can carve out some “in the meantime” joy. Otherwise, resentment manifests in various ways, including:
- passive-aggressive behavior
- pains, gastric distress, even chronic illness
- envy, jealousy, judgement, self-righteousness and martyrdom
- unnatural weight gain or loss
- lack of movement: physical and environmental
Allowing yourself to be more discerning when you say YES…more targeted in HOW you spend your time and with WHOM puts you in a BETTER position to extend yourself to others from a place of love instead of resentment. And it starts with extending Yo Self to Yo Self!
- Carve out an hour to spend distraction-free time with yourself. Can’t do an hour? Do 30 minutes.
- Download my “Love To Do Have To Do Worksheet” (Click here for either the Excel or PDF version) to calculate your % split.
- Anything less than what you desire OR 60/40 means it’s time to make some changes.
- Start small. Pick One Thing to drop from your ‘Have To’ list and live with it for a month before picking another one to drop. Keep doing this until you have the split that works best for you.
- DON’T MAKE THIS ANOTHER THING TO JUDGE YOURSELF OVER! Life is fluid and the split will change according to what’s going on. This is about paying attention to your flags and doing a reset as needed, not setting up something else to beat yourself up about.
- Get an Accountability Partner who will support and remind you why what you’re doing IS the the right thing to do. ‘Right for You’ and ‘Right’ are NOT mutually exclusive. Hello!
- BREATHE. ENJOY. LIVE.